Frustrated

In the midst of a struggle of sexual temptations of the present, the most frustrating aspect of dealing with same-sex attractions is the daunting question of the future. Nothing in my life makes me want to pull my hair out more than this frustrating, disheartening, and utterly endless issue.

Two girls called and professed their undying, passionate feelings for me tonight. One was a friend that I have never felt anything for. The other - a driven, compassionate, big-picture thinking, pageant beauty - is someone that I felt like I could have feelings for. But as both of them confessed to me their feelings, I couldn't help but weep inside. Not only does the thought of being emotionally intimate with a woman do nothing for me, but I am finding that my sexual attraction toward women continues to dwindle. What was once an attraction like all (or at least a majority) of young boys has now turned into a vacuum with only attractions toward men.

What am I to do? An eligible bachelor who has a secure job and how is a 'good' Christian man, I am expected by many to take a serious look at settling down. Not only does my personality not want to settle down - desiring a job that travels, wanting to move all over the world, wanting to not being tied to anything - my desire to be with a woman is continuing to shrink.

Yes, I want to marry. But, is that simply to fulfill cultural expectations?
Yes, I want a family. But what does a 'family' look like? Is it confined only to marriage with biological children?
Yes, I want intimacy and a companion. But what does that look like for someone who is unable to truly give a woman what she deserves.

Like I said in my last post, I refuse to, for the sake of being 'normal', deprive a woman of the true love that she is entitled. Not only would I be miserable living a 'lie,' but I would also be actively contributing to someone else's pain, not being able to provide the relationship needed in a marriage.

So frustrating, as I am beginning to feel the desire of intimacy with another man. It's disgusting to think about, but at the same time seems so natural. What does that mean? I have always dismissed the question by gay proponents, "If it's love, then how could it be bad." Of course, feeling good about anything that is unhealthy seems good at the onset but is completely wrong. I have always felt like feeling a well-intentioned, misguided (natural desire for a deep connection, but inappropriate manifestation into eroticism) attraction to men was similar to other personal disorders, etc........a completely legitimate need coming to fruition in a very unhealthy and skewed way.

But I am now finding myself thinking about - not embracing - intimacy with another man and how God plays into that. I am exploring what I truly think, not just the standard line used by churches. What does God really say about these things? I think the Bible is clear. But how does that reconcile with the most intimate parts of my being?

I wonder if there is any struggle that penetrates so deeply into the human soul. To be in constant, volatile turmoil in the innermost parts of a person is fatiguing. It is tiring, which is why I think many people give in eventually to their ssa. Unfortunately that also comes with people walking away from their faith. I'd like to think that no matter what, I understand the Lord's faithfulness and intentional action in my life over the course of my 21 years on this planet. I'd like to think that I'd never forget how good he has been to me.