For me, this weekend was when I realized that it's time to get up. Recently, I've been so battered by bad situations, from illicit and irresponsible relationships with random people to my Chippendale fling. Over the course of the past year, I have acted out in my sexual frustration and confusion behind the facade of a perfect young Christian. This experimentation was periodic, but often the product of my sentiment that my faith had "kept me in a box" where I couldn't experience everything I needed to in order to develop. This, of course, is a lie that I bought into. Experimentation only led to more grief, frustration, and confusion.
But I can't say that I entirely regret what I have done, because the reality is that it forced me to actually begin dealing with my issue. Prior to "acting out," it was easy to push my ssa to the side and not think about it. What I have done has forced me to actively confront what is going on in my mind, my heart, my body. I'm grateful for this positive consequence, although completely recognizing that this does not justify my actions.
Anyways, the purpose of this particular blog is that I woke up this morning, made myself a cup of coffee, and while observing the downtown activity my loft apartment overlooks, I invited God into the process of this reconciliation for the first time in a while. Life as a Christian can be tiered process. I have never forsaken my faith in Him, but it has been some time since I have asked him to be a part of the process of really working through my ssa. I'm not sure what made me truly want to grab my struggle by "the reins" this weekend, but I think I am realizing more and more that life is passing me by and I can no longer throw out the excuse that "I'm in college and I'll live for the moment and figure it out later." I'm not in college, I'm growing older, and putting this off any longer won't benefit me at all.
It's time to get up. It's time to remember who I am and take a stand for who I want to be. Although I have been living a Christ-following life, Christ has not been active in my struggle as someone who is attracted to the same sex for some time.
My question for anyone out there that is reading this is:
- What should be the next step? I have read some books, had some counseling, confided in meaningful mentors. What is an action plan for me to be truly confronting this? I want to be equipped instead of saying, "I'm going to deal with this," and then not actually do anything. Your comments and suggestions are appreciated!
Time to get off to the office. It's another week, and I'm grateful to be employed with a secure job and a consistent income! Among health and good friends/family, this is just one more thing I can be thankful for. I leave you with a song I recently heard in a wedding I stood up in. The lyrics are beautiful, as they can apply both to a love between man and woman, but also from God to humanity. The song is "I Will Not Take My Love Away" by Matt Wertz. Take the time read these and, if you have the time, reflect on them. At this point, the second stanza is what truly hits and means the most to me. The idea that the Lord is constantly by us, offering His glorious and sustaining hand, even when we wander, brings me to my knees.
"I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
while the whole world turns the other way
I will not take my love away
I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone
I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need
I will not take my love away"
When praises cease and seasons change
while the whole world turns the other way
I will not take my love away
I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone
I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need
I will not take my love away"
Will:
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost, I recommend writing down your testimony specifically focusing on your ssa. Doing this should allow you to get to know that part of yourself which has been in the background much better. Chronicle your journey as you've lived with it from the moment you recognized it onward.
When I was your age, I began to think through my past (encouraged by counseling), but it wasn't until I was in my late 20s that I began to write down my journey in detail. Journaling has been a friend of mine ever since.
I also recommend at some point in the future considering the following (and ultimately following the Lord's direction regarding each of these):
1. Look up your local Love in Action / Exodus support group and look into whether they exist in your region, when they meet, etc. Prayerfully commit to attend at least one meeting in the near future.
2. Find a friend online that can become a brother to you. Someone you're not attracted to physically. Someone who is a christian and who isn't interested in acting out on their own ssa. Because you've acted out in the recent past, I don't recommend befriending someone in your region. The Lord may lead you to a man who hasn't acted out at all, and I believe that would be a good thing.
3. Talk to your pastor. Ask him to pray with you regularly accompanied by inquiring about your struggle. Tell him where you're at and where you feel the Lord leading you (hopes and dreams). Commit to being authentic with him. If you're not involved in a church in your new hometown, then pray that the Lord will quickly lead you to one. Join it and get involved.
4. Tell your parents. After journaling your story, there will be things that come to mind that involve them. It sounds as if you have a quality relationship with your Dad. Start there. Of all the things listed, this one is the hardest.
The catalyst that forced me to "deal" with my ssa when I was your age was falling in love with my wife.
I'm grateful that the Lord has brought you to this place at a similar time as he did me. I have great hope for you and am proud of your willingness to face this head on. You have an exciting though very difficult journey ahead. It is worth it. Never forget that.
You're in my prayers,
Rob Turner