Back to the Garden

During my coffee break with a coworker yesterday, the two of us found ourselves discussing the roots of human depravity. The coworker that I was visiting with has a lot of quirks, tends to draw out what he's saying, and is that type of person that most people "avoid" in the office. But, in the midst of one of his lengthy monologues, he said something that rocked my world.

Reflecting on humanity's fall in the Garden of Eden, my coworker distinguished what had played out between Adam, Eve, and the Serpent. I have always heard about how Adam and Eve's pride led us to want to be as powerful as God, and the temptation of equality is what compelled them to disobey Him. My coworker argued, however, that what truly happened was doubt. The pride and desire for power were not the original motivators. Instead, perhaps they were symptoms of a greater insecurity - the doubt that the Lord has our best interests in mind. Speaking to me in an animated tone, my coworker's facial expressions were so perfectly fitted for this very question. Looking about suspiciously, he posed the question that Adam and Eve surely asked themselves, "Does the Lord really have what is best for me in his plans?"

I can't help but plug this question into the context of my struggle. My inability to truly commit to walking away from the various temptations of this struggle have to relate to the very same doubt that positioned itself in Adam and Eve's life as well. Does God really have the best intentions for my life? Does He really have a plan that leads to the greatest peace and contentment in life? I find that I am not convinced, that I'm holding out on Him...convinced that my own emotional barometer better measures the correct life for myself.

When will I sell myself out, humble myself to nothing? When will I offer my hands to Him with no restrictions? I often wonder if people with same sex attractions suffer from a completely different level of inability to surrender because of the nature of their struggle. Someone that is insecure about looks, someone that is addicted to pain killers, someone that has doubts about their future - all of these situations require trust and faith in the Lord about their respective issues. But intimate sexual and emotional attraction are so potent in the human, that I often wonder if that is a struggle that wreaks the most turmoil to the soul. These feelings are some of the most fundamental and core feelings that a human can experience. It's only normal to question the Lord and ask how they can't feel normal and how they could be wrong.

Just some random, unfiltered, and poorly constructed thoughts...