Falling for a Porn Star

Well, if that title doesn't hook you, I don't know what will. The title, unfortunately, is not a lie however. It is for the very same reason, in part, that I haven't updated my blog since June. I simply couldn't bare writing here when I was actively pursuing something that compromised my integrity as a Christ-follower and witness. So - ironically - I simply just did something that compromised my character without writing about it ;)

They say that life is a journey. It has its ups and its downs, ins and outs, and somehow we always seem to arrive back at the same problem we thought we had finally solved the last time we screwed up. There are times in life when reality rings with astonishing clarity, and then moments later our understanding is exceptionally clouded. My life is no exception. And suddenly, only days after writing my story on this blog, I was blindsided, sidetracked, and eventually burned.

About a month and a half ago, I met someone online. I was discontent, feeling unstable about my uncertain life after college. So, I fed my desire for worth by looking on the internet. I met a guy - a straight/curious college student in Florida with roots in the midwest. He was planning to travel home to the midwest a few weeks after we first met and wanted to get together with me. We weren't anything alike - he is your stereotypical college party guy, living the fast life with no regard to consequences and satisfying immediate desires of the day. I, on the other hand, was always the "good kid," who made smart choices, exceled in my studies. But, we continued to keep in touch and find common interests. As the weeks progressed both before and after meeting each other in person, we kept in touch on a daily basis. Texting and talking on the phone, we were in almost continual contact throughout the day. Not lovey dovey, but just as if we were typical friends.

Throughout the course of our friendship, I understood that I could never actually keep in touch with him. As a Christian, I knew that I would have to choose my faith or choose this friendship that originated out of lust. But as everything progressed, I allowed myself to play into the wonderful things he said to me. I ended up falling for this guy who, I believe, genuinley cared for me as well. I think that both of us felt a deep, no matter how immature and young, connection for one another as friends - and more as friends. It was the first time I had ever felt this way toward another person, and I felt like despite only knowing him for weeks, he understood me better than a lot of people that have known me for years. I finally understood what it meant to be romantically intimate.

Things have begun to fall apart. Not only as he delved into performing on an adult website, he also has been recruited by a dance group that is dubbed "the East Coast chippendales." Unfortunately, these things alone didn't serve as a wakeup call for me. Instead, it took much more pain for me to wake up and realize what I needed to do to free myself from the situation. Oftentimes in life, I have found that when people are experiencing new, fun, and exciting things, they often want to do away with the past. This is consistent to what this guy has done with me as he is adrenalized by his new series of decisions. Once proclaiming that he had never met someone as great as me, he has kicked me to the curb, leaving me feeling rejected. In the middle of my own move and first major life transition, I feel completely without a secure base.

All this to say: what a feeble sheep I truly am. The Lord does not describe us as these animals for nothing. We are truly, truly dense. And I am the worst of all. 1 Timothy 1:15-17 states,
"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever."

I screwed up bigtime. I have before and I know I will again. But I am so grateful for the mercy and the unfailing love that the Lord has for me. And I am so thankful for the blood of the slain lamb that affords me the opportunity to approach the Kings that presides sovreignly over all creation.